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Wit and Humour
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Dad : How was your English exam today?
Suneeta : It was fine. Teacher asked us to hand in a neat paper – so I did not write anything on it.
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College student : I really would like to have a car, dad.
Father : A car, you say? Then what will you do with the two feet that God has given you?
College student : I will put one on the accelerator and the other on the brake!
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Raj : Dad, will you please buy me a harmounium?
Dad : On one condition – you must not disturb me.
Raj :It’s a deal – I will only play it when you are sleeping.
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Father : How many of your answers were wrong?
Son : One.
Father : Only one? What about the other nine! Were they correct?
Son : The other nine? O, I didn’t write those answers at all!
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Pappu : Papa, can you write in the dark?
Papa : Yes, I think so. What do you want me to write?
Pappu :Your signature on my report card.
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Mother : Do you remember you promised to behave properly? And if you didn’t, I promised to whack you? Well, you have behaved very badly today.
Meena : But since I didn’t keep my promise, you needn’t keep yours.
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Son : Dad, how much am I worth to you?
Father : O, more than a million, son.
Son : In that case, can you advance me 5% of it?
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One day when Dad came home from work, he was surprised to see Tony writing on their pet dog, Snowy.
Dad : Good heavens! What on earth are you doing?
Tony :Teacher asked us to write an essay on our pet. So that’s what I’m doing.
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Mother : Are you sure you washed the salad properly?
Gauri : Of course I did – I even used soap!
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Priya : Mom, may I go out and play with my friend Manoj?
Mom : No, I don’t like your friend Manoj.
Priya : Then may I go out and have a fight with him?
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Pinky : Aunty Pam kissed me today.
Mom : Really? And did you kiss her back?
Pinky : Of course not. I kissed her face.
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Rita : Why is your hair white in between, mom?
Mom : My hair turns white when you trouble me.
Rita : O, dear. Then you must have really troubled.
Grandma – her head is completely white.
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Father looking at report card : Pankaj, these grades are unacceptable.
Pankaj : I agree with you, Dad. Let us tell the teacher.
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Father : You have failed! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
Son : But father, I have the highest marks among those who failed.
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Father : Always remember, son, that charity begins at home.
Son : Okay Dad, Now please give me two rupees.
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Mother : Raghu, if your bed is tidy tomorrow morning, I will give you a ten rupee note for ice-cream.
Next morning, mother was surprised to see a neat and tidy bed.
Mother : I can’t believe it. How did you manage it, Raghu?
Raghu : Simple, I slept on the floor last night.
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Father : You should really be ashamed of yourself. See how many certificates your sister has got, whether in academics or on the sports field.
Son : But dad, I too, have got one certificate.
Father : Which one?
Son : My birth certificate.
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Mom : Look here, Girish. You must always play with clever and intelligent kids.
Girish : That’s not possible, mom.
Mom : Why not?
Girish : Because their moms also tell them the same thing.
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Mother : Why are you crying?
Jai : Teacher asked me to get out of the class today.
Mother : I am sure you were creating a din – now tell me the truth.
Jai : No, I promise I wasn’t creating a din. I was sleeping.
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Son : Dad, I just saved you some money.
Dad : How’s that?
Son : I won’t need new books next year – I am staying in the same class again.
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Bunty : I have three pairs of spectacles.
Bubble : Really? What do you do with three pairs?
Bunty : One is for long sight, one is for short sight, and the third one is to look for the other two.
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Seema : What is more useful after it is broken?
Reema : I don’t know. You tell.
Seema : An egg.
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Gopu : My uncle is a man of letters.
Dopu : really? That’s great.
Gopu: He works at the post office.
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Sonali : You look really foolish to me with those thick lens glasses.
Rupali : Yeah, but if I remove them, you will look foolish to me.
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Amit : Your pup just bit my ankle.
Sumit : Well, you don’t expect such a little dog to bite your neck, do you?
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Girish : I just saved the life of a beggar.
Ashish : You did? How?
Girish :Well, I asked him what he would do if I gave him a fifty rupee note. And he said that he would die of happiness. I saved his life by not giving him the note!
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Manoj : If you see a man opening the door of his car for his wife, what would you think?
Sanjay : Either his car is new or his wife is new.
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Gappu : Which dog has not tail?
Tappu : I don’t know. You tell me.
Gappu : A hot dog.
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Suresh : Man always gets pain in the weakest part of his body.
Mahesh : That’s it! That explains why you have such frequent headaches.
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Sachin : I was just thinking – how much will it cost to take a trip to Paris and back?
Nitin : Nothing? How’s that?
Nitin : Will, if you are just thinking, it won’t cost you anything.
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First friend : Why are you so sad today?
Second friend : I had a fight with my wife and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a full week.
First friend : Ah, and that makes you sad?
Second friend :No. Today is the last day of the week.
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Boy to constable : Come quick. My father and a neighbour have been fighting for the last half an hour and the neighbour is beating up my father.
Constable : Fighting for half an hour! Why didn’t you call me earlier?
Boy : Because earlier my father was beating him up.
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Lawyer : Did you consult any other lawyer before you brought your case here.
Client :Yes, I did.
Lawyer : And what did he tell you?
Client : He told me that I need not go to him – that any third rate lawyer could handle it.
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Constable : Dogs are not allowed in the park. Is this your dog?
Vishal : No sir, it is not mine.
Constable : But it is following you.
Vishal : You also, are following me.
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Lawyer : You say you were 100 feet away from the scene of the accident. Now will you please tell the court how far you can see clearly?
Witness : Well, when I get up in the morning, I can see the sun and people say it is 93 million miles away.
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Judge : Why did you park your car there?
Accused : because the sign said, “Fine for parking”.
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Judge : Ten witnesses have said that they saw you stealing the car. What do you have to say to that?
Accused : Just this – there are thousand of people who didn’t see me steal the car.
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Judge to accused : How many times have you appeared in this court! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
Accused : I come here once in a while, your Honour. But you come to court every day…..
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Two-wheeler rider : Why have you stopped me? I was not driving very fast.
Traffic cop : I have stopped you because your wife has fallen off the pillion at the last turning.
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Boss to secretary : Your typing has greatly improved – only six mistakes.
Secretary : O, thank you, sir.
Boss : Now let me read the second line.
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Master to gardener : You lazy out, why aren’t you watering the plants?
Gardener : But it’s raining so hard.
Master : So what? Take an umbrella and do your job.
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Boss to future employee : You said you have two brothers – what do they do?
Future employee : O, one is in the jail, the other one in the hospital.
Boss : Good god, what happened? Did they have a fight?
Future employee : No sir. They work there.
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Master : You are dismissed as from today.
Servant : But why? I haven’t done a thing.
Master : That’s why.
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“How many people are working in your department?”
Counting the boss, 20.”
“I see. Not counting the boss, is it 19?”
“Oh no. Without the boss, nobody works.”
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Boss :What is your name?
Interviewee : Shall I tell you in Urdu, English or Hindi?
Boss : Tell me in all three languages.
Interviewee : Well, in Urdu it is ‘Paigam’, in English it is ‘Message’ and in Hindi it is ‘Sandesh’ Kumar.
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Employer : Why did you leave your previous job?
Servant : Due to frustration.
Employer : Why, what were you frustrated with?
Servant :O, I wasn’t frustrated with anything. But everyone in the house was frustrated with me.
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Boss to applicant : You have no experience at all. Yet you expect a fat salary.
Applicant : Just give it a thought, Sir. Since I have no experience, won’t it be that much more difficult for me to work?
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Servant : I want to leave this job – you don’t trust me at all.
Master : What do you mean by that? Even when I go out of town, I leave my bunch of keys on this table.
Servant : What’s the use? Not a single one of those keys fits your locker!
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Mom :Eat your spinach, dear, it makes your teeth strong.
Meena : Why don’t you give some to grandpa?
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Wife : What’s today’s date?
Husband : I don’t know.
Wife : But you are reading the newspaper.
Husband : That won’t help. It’s yesterday’s paper.
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Wife to Husband : I have been watching you for the last few days. You bring home stacks of medicine every day. What exactly is your ailment?
Husband : Nothing. Our chemist tenant has not paid rent for 3 months.
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Wife to husband who returned from the barber : Good heavens! What a haircut! What on earth made you have it cut so short?
Husband : The barbar didn’t have change for five rupees. So I told him to cut another five rupee worth of hair.
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Miser to wife : Let’s eat out today.
Wife : How nice. Which restaurant shall we go to?
Miser : Who said anything about restaurant? There is a beautiful moon outside – let’s eat in the backyard.
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Wife : Why do you always go out into the balcony when I sing? Don’t you like to hear me?
Husband : It isn’t that, dear. I just don’t want the neighbours to think that I am beating you.
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Ram Prasad : I can’t go to work today – my car is in the repair shop.
Shiv Prasad : Then take a bus.
Ram Prasad : I can’t, it’s too big for my garage.
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Ravi : My father shaves twice a day.
Shyam :That is nothing, my father shaves 40 to 60 times a day.
Ravi : That is impossible. Does his beard grow every minute?
Shyam : No, he is a barber.
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Raghu to bald friend : How did you lose your hair?
Bald man : Worry.
Raghu : What did you worry about?
Bald man : About losing my hair.
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(Compiled from Bal Vihar)
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