Dear Parents,

You would agree that seeing your children achieve a spectacular success is one of the most joyous moments in parents’ lives!!

You can well imagine the happiness which the parents of Abhinav, Sushil and Vijender experienced when their sons brought glory to the country by their historic performance at the recent Beijing Olympic Games! The nation shares their happiness and congratulates them on the brilliant performance of their prodigal sons.

To see their children winning laurels and receiving media applause would make the hearts of any parent flutter with joy! The joy, of course, is even greater if they had contributed in helping them achieve this excellence. When I say “contribute”, I do not mean the money spent on training or equipment alone but I mean the inspiration, motivation and encouragement that they provided their children in undertaking this long and arduous journey. Above all, I mean the parents role in inculcating among children the values of positive attitude, determination, hard work and strive for excellence; values that characterize a winner.

While many achievers do not have motivating and supporting parents, those who have are greatly facilitated on their journey to personal and professional development; and once they reach there, remain level headed.

Parents’ failure to gauge and encourage potential of their children and provide them requisite opportunities, support and mentoring can make all the difference between success and failure of their children in life……. Choice is entirely that of the parents!

As parents of young persons getting success and acclaim, you have a special role to ensure that the children remain level headed in success and failure and that you continue to provide love and support in either situations. Maintaining dignity in face of acclaim and adversity is one of the greatest teachings that parents can impart, by teaching and practicing……..

Yours truly,

Incident,we should learn from

The recent incident of a shootout in a school in Faridabad in which an alleged bully was killed by his classmates sent a shockwave throughout the country. It must lead to some soul-searching by parents.

The incident highlights the need for better communication between parents and children, inculcation of right values at the right time, de-stressing them through proper attention at home and counseling, if the need be. It also calls for some thinking on the part of the school authorities to evolve a foolproof mechanism to deal with the evils of bullying, harassment and any form of abuse in their campuses.

If you have good communication with your children, you will notice the symptoms of trouble before it assumes big proportions. Some of the symptoms are: absent-mindedness, lack of concentration, loss of interest in studies, poor appetite, improper sleep and irregularity in daily routine. Besides the victims are often seen engaged in prolonged telephonic conversations; frequent and untimely visits by friends; fits of depression, sometimes accompanied by headache or stomach ache; or even low grade fever.

These symptoms should prompt the parents to find out what is really troubling their precious children and find the solution to their problems. Parents are sometimes hesitant in taking their wards to counselors or psychologists for fear of the stigma attached to any type of mental aberration!

However, when no help comes forth from parents, professionals or teachers, the tension continues to simmer and the children, due to their lack of maturity and experience, sometimes take extreme steps which they themselves regret later. However, it may be too late and the damage once done can not be undone. Spending time with children, being their friend and guide and even seeking professional help may avert such unfortunate situations.

Most parents are themselves under stress and pressure due to the demands of their professions, society and families. They, therefore, often fail to discharge one of their prime duties of inculcating among their children such values as tolerance, patience, universal brotherhood, love, benevolence, compassion, charity and forgiveness which may help their children cope with the complexities of modern life and help them better adjust to their environment.

While most of the schools have parent-teacher forums, they are mostly concerned with academic performance of children and not so much about their conduct or behaviour at school or outside. Even when incidents of bullying or abuse are brought to the attention of the school, they are usually brushed under the carpet. This either forces the children to withdraw or to settle scores themselves, which can be disastrous as it turned out to be at the Faridabad school.

If parents have got licensed weapons, it is their duty to ensure that they are not accessible to their children. Their misuse, both in India and abroad, especially in the US, has often led not only to murders in fits of anger but also suicides. Parents must, therefore, act with responsibility and not be the cause, admittedly indirectly, of the destruction of their own precious children.

Don't Pamper your child

Do you pamper your child? If so, please stop doing it from today. Trust me, it is neither good for the child nor for you.

Well, the dictionary meaning of the word “pampering” is “over indulging or gratifying beyond measure”

While it is the birth right of the child to get adequate attention, care and love from the parents, pampering the child simply spoils him/her. It sows in the child the seeds of indiscipline making him/her defiant, arrogant, whimsical and funny. It also makes the child exploit your weaknesses and emotionally blackmail you.

It leads to the situation where the child begins to control you instead of your guiding the child. Hope you agree that it is not an ideal situation And when it happens, no degree of help from counselors or child psychologists or psycho-therapists can be of any help. So better act when there is still time.

You might be said to be pampering a child when you

--treat him – and that too, too often and in big quantities, with pizzas, burgers, ice creams and patties which you know are not good for their health.

--buy him costly and extravagant dresses beyond your status and means, just to satisfy your ego and encourage the child to indulge in self- display and exhibitionism.

--indulge in excessive patting, kissing and hugging as a routine without any special occasion for the same

--connive at and condone the the child’s improper behaviour with yourself, your spouse or elders in the family, guests and others coming into contact during the course of the day.

--give the child huge pocket money or buy for him/her, under pressure, costly toys, games and gadgets etc which you feel convinced are of no worth or value.

--allow the child to make an excessive use of computers and T.V. and also to be persuaded against your best judgment and discretion to take him/her to movies too frequently and without proper choice.

-- let a child break without any adequate reason the agreed rules of the home or violate the minimum norms of etiquettes and manners and the good traditions being followed by the family from generations.

--ignore the child’s bad habits (like taking books in a toilet) and give a long rope when immediate corrective measure is needed.

These are some of the ways in which you pamper the child –somes times consciously and sometimes unconsciously; but there are many more which I am sure you know better.

But why do you pamper the child? Is it to win over the child’s favour? Or do you do it to compensate for the lack of your attention and time to the child? Or is it due to your ignorance of the damage that it does?

Whatever be the reason, it is better to wake up, at least now, than to repent later.

Good parenting pays off

Parenting is hard. But as we develop confidence in our parenting skills and see our children develop into fine people, we will know that it was worth all the effort. Good parenting certainly pays off!

There’s not just one right way to raise children. And there’s no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. Here are some guidelines to help your children grow up healthy and happy.

• Love your children for what they are and not for what you want them to be. Give them a power of freedom. Every day, tell your children: “I love you, You’re special to me.”

• Listen when your children talk. Listening to your children; tell them that you think they’re important and that you’re interested in what they have to say.

• Make your children feel safe. Comfort them whey they’re scared. Show them you’ve taken steps to protect them.

• Discipline your children. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes, ahead of time.

• Little praise can go a long way in boosting confidence. When your children learn something new or behave well, tell them you’re proud of them.

• Criticise the behaviour, not the child. When your child makes a mistake, don’t say, “You were bad.” Instead, explain what wrong the child did . For example, say: “Running into the street without looking, isn’t safe.” Then tell the child what to do instead: “First, look both ways for cars.”

• Be consistent. Your rules don’t have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If two parents are raising a child, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure baby-sitters and relatives know, and follow, your family rules.

• Spend time with your children. Do things together, like reading, walking, playing and cleaning house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behaviour is usually their way of getting your attention.

• Create an environment in which children can develop habits of honesty, generosity and a sense of justice. For most of us, the greatest opportunity we personally have to deepen our own character, is through the daily blood , sweat and tears of struggling to be good parents.

From "Today’s Traveller"

RAISING A GOOD CHILD

All Parents have goals for their children. But for many, nothing is more important than raising a “good” child–one who knows right from wrong, who is empathetic and who tries to live by the golden rule. Since morality is an elusive character trait, how can parents instill it in their children?

“The way to raise a moral child is to be a moral person,” says psychologist David Elkind. “If you’re honest and straightforward and decent and caring, that’s what children learn.”

In today’s fast-paced world, where unequivocal role models are few and acts of violence by children are widespread, the quest to raise a moral child takes on new urgency. But such morality doesn’t appear overnight; it emerges slowly, over time.

Decide your values:

What qualities–such as honesty and hard work–are most important to you? Then act the way you want your children to act. “If you volunteer in your community, and you take your children, they will do that themselves,” says American paediatrician Joseph Hagan. “If you stub your toe and say the ‘F’ word, guess what your child is going to say when he stubs his toe?”

Praise good behaviour:

“Highlight behaviours you do want,” says Kori Skidmore, a Chicago child psychologist, Rather than criticizing a toddler for his messy room, compliment him on the neat corner, recommends paediatrician Garry Gardner. Remember: use ‘no’ judiciously.

Take advantage of teachable moments:

When Gardner’s kids were three and four, they found a ten-dollar note in front of a store. Gardner talked about the value of the money–and they agreed to give it to the store-keeper in case someone returned for it. They mutually decided that “finders keepers” should not apply to anything more than a 25-cent coin. Parents can also use famous fables like “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” or mythological stories to illustrate a point.

Watch what your child watches:

“If children are unsupervised, watching violence or promiscuity on TV, they’re more likely going to have misguided views about how to treat people,” says Karen Bohlin, director of Boston University’s Centre for the Advancement of Ethics and Character. “Children are impulsive and need guidance to form good habits.”

Discuss consequences:

Parents can ask their children to help them pick fair punishments–for example, no TV. “They’re learning that their voice is valued,” They’re learning that their voice is valued,” says Marvin Berkowitz, a professor of character education. Allowing kids to make choices–even about something as trivial as what to have for lunch–will enable them to make moral ones later. “If they don’t learn peanut butter and jam at two, how are they going to decide about drinking when they’re fourteen?” asks family physician Nancy Dickey.

Help them see another viewpoint:

If a child hits his new sibling, try to reflect the newborn’s outlook. Say, “Oh, my, that must hurt. How would you feel if someone did that to you?” suggests Barbara Howard, the specialist in development behaviour. Or encourage kids who find a teddy bear to ask how sad they would feel if they lost their favourite stuffed animal–and how happy they would be if someone returned it. It’s one thing to hear about the “do unto others” rule and another to live it.

In the end, what’s the truest test of a moral child? It’s how the person acts when Mum or Dad is not around.

From "Reader Digest"

LET KIDS HANDLE MONEY

How kids learn to be economically savvy? Most schools do not teach the financial facts of life; it’s up to parents to help kids grow into responsible and skilful money earners, savers and spenders.

Where Kids get cash :

To learn about money kids first need to have some. Early on, parents often hand out money on an as-needed basis. But experts say paying a regular allowance or pocket money is the best way to teach children the meaning of money, how to use it and how to plan. Some call it “learning capital.”

Your child is ready for pocket money around age five or six, when he becomes aware of the relationship between money and shopping; can differentiate coins; can add and subtract; has spending opportunities; and asks you to buy him things.

How much pocket money? What’s right for your child depends on three factors: the child’s level of development, what you can afford, and what you expect him to pay for.

Whatever the amount, kids will soon feel they need more. But one expert, Sharon M. Danes, insists that children don’t need an automatic raise each year. “There’s no lesson to be learned when children expect an increase just because they’re a year older,” she says. “The reason for getting a greater part of the family-income pie is so they can learn more about balancing demands and resources.”

Tell kids who are itching for a raise to document increases in the things they pay for and to list new expenses they might be willing to cover. For instance, if you buy their school launches now, you can add that amount to their current allowance, then give them the option of making their own lunch if they want more discretionary income.

To many parents it seems natural to tie allowance to graders or behaviour, withholding money as a punishment or handing it out as a reward. Dawn Davidson found out this strategy may not always work. When her stepdaughter Victoria was ten, Davidson would deduct some allowance “for under sirable behaviours, such as lying about whether she did her homework.” But Victoria just stopped caring about her allowance and continued neglecting homework.

As far as using allowance as positive reinforcement, many experts suggest that other expressions of appreciation may be more effective. Rhonda Weidde, a single mother of three, typically gives her children a bonus for good grades, but she has found that less direct rewards produce better results. “On two occasions my kids opted to forgo their bonus in lieu of a vacation. Surprisingly, their grades were the best in those two instances.”

Personal Goal :

For children saving will be more meaningful if they have a personal goal–something they value. Lynn White, a family-economics specialist, recommends encouraging young kids to set short-term goals–toys, balloons, stickers or something else they can get in a week if they save. Then move to bigger goals that might take two weeks to save for; later, a month.

Inevitably, every now and then your child will be tempted to blow her savings on something other than her goal. “The important lesson for kids to learn is that they are responsible,” says White.

Let them make mistakes :

You must be willing to let your children make mistakes. “What you really need to teach your child is not what to do with his life, his talents or his money,” says Kenneth Kaye, a family therapist, “but how to make choices, so he can make good decisions outside your supervision.” By enabling your kids to experience handling their own money, you will give them a measurable advantage in their future financial and material success.

From "Reader Digest"

What are you doing with your Kohinoor?

You are busy gathering silver and gold, but you have neglected your richest treasure. The children are your richest treasure!”

How true it is that the richest treasure of a family, a society, a country, of humanity are the children. And how true it is that we have neglected our children. It was a great horticulturist who said: “We pay greater attention to the growth of plants than we do to the growth of our children.”
Not many seem to understand the tremendous responsibility that is theirs as parents of children. The responsibility of a parent begins the day the child is born and keeps on growing with passage of time.

Suppose God were to place in your hands a huge diamond, as big the Kohinoor, how much care would you not take of it! Forgetting everything else, you would be concerned with the safety and security of the diamond. And yet diamonds, bigger than the Kohinoor have been placed by God in your hands. You do nothing to take care of them. You pay no attention to their upbringing. You do nothing to inculcate in their minds, qualities of character which alone lend a meaning and value to life. You do not train them to grow in the love and fear of God. These diamonds, bigger that the Kohinoor, are your children. Take care of them!

I recall having read how a 15-year old boy in France, was sentenced to hard labour. He heard the sentence coolly. Then he asked for silence and shouted at the top of his voice, so that his words could be heard by all present in the court-room. He said: “I forgive the judge, for he has sentenced me justly. I forgive the guards: they have done their duty. However, there are two persons in the court-room whom I can never forgive. They are my father and mother. They paid no attention to my upbringing. They did not object when I visited cinema houses, where seeds of crime are planted in young hearts. They did not take care of the company in which I moved, with the result that I have grown full of vice and crime. The fault is theirs, though I have to pay for it by going to the prisosn.”

Not many parents seem to realise their responsibilities towards the children. It was William Tame who said: “Men are generally more careful about the breed of their horses and dogs than of their own children.” And of Plato–the Great Greek Philosopher, it is said that when he found a child doing wrong, he went and corrected the father for it.

Fathers usually feel that they have no share of responsibility in bringing up their children in the right way. They believe that is the mother’s job. They come and go in the house as boarders with no active interest in the welfare of the children. They treat demands of business as the cause of their neglect. It must not be forgotten that no amount of piling of the earth’s treasure can be comparable to the jewels–their own children.
Once a father was a member of so many societies that he could not stay home even for a single night. He was away in the morning before the children were up and returned late when the children were asleep. Even on Sundays he was not at home: he had to attend meetings of associations of which he was a member. The children pined for their father’s company. until they had an idea. They formed a family association and, of course, named the father as the president. Now he has to stay home at least one night in a week, to preside the non-political domestic group.

A stage comes in the life of every growing child when what he needs is a friend more than a parent. It is at this stage that the parent must learn to play a dual role. In addition to being a parent, he has to be a friend. When a parent offers unsolicited advice to a growing child, specially a teenager, it may be misunderstood as interference. When a friend advises a teenager, he immediately responds. If you would like to influence your children, make friends with them. Watch over your children as parents, but advice them as friends. It is only as friends that you can advise them and lead them to purity and perfection.

Paramam, Pavitram, Poornam said the ancient Rishi.To achieve them is the goal of life. Paramam is the Supreme: Pavitram is the Ever-Pure: Poornam is the Perfect. Lead your children to the Pure and the Perfect and you will have done your duty by them. Make friends with them –and the generation gap will disappear. Make friends with the children –and they will have no secrets from you: their lives will be to you an open book. I know of families in which daughters and sons regard their parents as their friends. The children have no hesitation in opening out their hearts to the parents.

from the magazine "East and West Series"
by J.P. Vaswani

Parenting wisely

Freedom from stress

While dealing with kids, the first thing to do is to keep yourself cool, collected and stress-free. Whatever you have to tell them or teach them, you should do so in a controlled and regulated voice without ever raising the eyebrows. No shouting, no threatening!

Before communicating with them, you must rid yourselves of stress completely lest you pass it on to them making them either defiant or nervous.

No indulgence

Avoid over indulgence or over protection of the kids. Too much of patting, hugging and kissing the kids all the time will do no good to them (or to yourself! ). They will only make them emotionally dependent on you and ultimately spoil them. No doubt children need and also crave for love. To get love is the their birth right. But give it in the quantity that they can absorb without impeding their growth and development Let them grow into responsible and accountable human beings. Give them freedom to breathe. Let them have every opportunity to be on their own. Let them learn to cope with the daily obstacles and problems themselves. Just be there to give them support and help only as and when it is needed!

A Good image to live upto

As parents it is your duty to give your children a good image of themselves. It is a very important in the development of their character and personality.

If you keep criticizing , nagging or scolding, the children for every small thing or telling them that they are irresponsible, mischievous, lazy, nasty etc, don’t be surprised if they really turn out to be so! If, on the other hand, you imprint on their mind, just the opposite image, there is every possibility of your words coming true.

No breaking of rules

All rules governing the family discipline or guidelines to regulate the activities, habits, behavior, conduct of the children should be formulated after taking your children into confidence; involve the kids in this process by inviting their suggestions and getting their approval in principle. When the kids are party to such rules , their compliance would become easier.

Once some rules have been decided upon, don’t make exceptions or allow their violation without any valid reason .For instance, if it has been jointly agreed that kids would watch TV only for two hours, be strict that no further time is allowed. . Likewise if the kids have agreed not to take junk food for more than once a week, make them stick to it .

Parents should not make a mockery of the rules by allowing too many exceptions and that too, without any valid reasons Frequent non-compliance of family rules not only erodes the authority of the parents but also weakens the will of the kids besides lowering their self- esteem.

Persuasivness pays

When asking the kids to do or not do something, explain to them patiently the reasons for the same; don’t try to push them into anything like a dictator. It is very significant to tell them in simple and clear terms what good or bad impact a particular action in question would have on them in the long run. There is every chance of the kids listening to and obeying you once they are convinced of your logic.

Fix the limits

“Thus far and no further”–this is what you have to tell yourself while handling children and their demands. The three questions parents should ask themselves are :

Is it good for the children ?
Are they ripe for the same?
Can we afford?

If children make any unreasonable demand which is not good for them, if they are not grown or matured enough to use something which they are demanding, if there is something which is beyond your means or in your best judgment is a waste of your hard earned money, try to explain to the children everything; but, if they still persist, put your foot down and firmly say: Sorry, we can’t buy you this;” and if possible, suggest some reasonable alternatives which fulfill your criteria.

The children should also learn that they cannot get everything for asking. Nor is it possible to fulfill their demand at once. They must learn about what is called ‘the deferred gratification of desires’. When, for instance, the children tell you, “I must have the tricycle or a camera today (or just now)”, tell them firmly but politely that you have no magic wand to produce things on will! Don’t be rushed into doing anything. Let the kids learn to wait.

Negotiate

Let it be made very clear to the kids at an early age that you cannot have anything in the world for nothing; that is, to get something you have also to give something in return. Nothing is for free.( It is, however, to be understood not in the material but also in the emotional or spiritual sense.)

For instance, the kids should know that they can not expect everything to be done by parents to suit their whims and fancy without they, on their own part, ever bothering to do what the former want; that there is an element of reciprocity in all human relationships and mutual respect and consideration are their bedrocks.

While it would be too crude and unfair to be telling children all the time ,“You do this if you want this”, but they must be made fully aware of the truth that any relationship, to be meaningful and lasting, should be a two-way rather than a one-way traffic!

Setting of goals

Set goals for the kids which are practical and pragmatic; let the goals be not too high and too difficult to achieve. To ensure this, not only keep their capacities and abilities in mind, but also split them into shorter ones with a reasonable timeframe.

As the children achieve smaller goals, they will gain more and more confidence to gear themselves to achieve bigger ones. On the other hand, if they fail to achieve the big goals set for them, they will be filled with remorse and guilt and gradually lose confidence in themselves, which is the worst thing to happen to anyone, particularly kids.

Cultivation of virtues/values

Since childhood is the time for the development and cultivation of virtues, every effort should be made at this age to inculcate among them values like Truth, honesty, integrity, tolerance, patience, diligence, punctuality, self-confidence, self-reliance and self-respect etc. This should be done obliquely by setting your personal example, biographies of the great men and folklores and stories.

Etiquettes and manners

It is never too early to teach basics of etiquettes and manners to the children. Parents sometimes ignore or even laugh away or enjoy when their child gives a slap to one of them on a small provocation or uses a harsh or impolite word. That is the beginning of bad manners.

Let there be no compromise on this score ! No tolerance here! It is a zero per cent tolerance zone and should be guarded with all your might. “Behave yourself” is the first lesson the children ought to be taught by discerning parents.

By
BHARAT BHOOSHAN

FAT? BLAME MOM & DAD

Nutrition experts in the US now know where to put the blame: obesity begins at home, they say. Studies released this summer say children in the US are gaining too much weight–even babies. And experts are laying the lion’s share of the responsibility on parents, reports Nanci Hellmich in USA Today.

Moms and dads may want their kids to have healthier eating habits, and eat more fruits and vegetables, but they aren’t doing it themselves. Dietician Tara Todd says most of her young patients have overweight mothers of fathers. “Kids are learning unhealthy behaviours from an early age. I try to focus on parents and get them to change what they are stocking in the pantry.”

Keith Ayoob, New York dietician, says he never meets children who have better eating habits than their parents. “Parents are the biggest influence on their kids. They need to be good role models.”

According to a survey, 71% kids say they get information on health from their moms. But many families don’t seem to know how to plan and make healthful meals, and busy parents often don’t make time to feed their children healthy foods. “We need to rearrange priorities. You can’t have ‘no time to feed the kids’,” says Ayoob. “Everyone needs to be aware that the deck is stacked against children. Out society is set up to have our kids grow up overweight.”

from "TOI"